Today was the day…a little hospital humor


colonoscopy prep

Just Kidding, it’s always fun…

It all started two days ago
getting ready for the big show
I knew the time and I knew the date
and all I had to do was wait.

I had already been to the store
to purchase the things they said I would need
stuff like Ducolax and other things
with equally frightening sounding names.

You know that anything ending in lax
has to do with interior tracts
and the other bottle of stuff I bought
true to form was Mirolax.

You may have guessed by now
that all of this was for a prep
for an examination of the rectal kind
where you gotta take this stuff they say
in order to clear other stuff out-of-the-way.

Niceties forbid me here
to try to make myself more clear
but let me say that when I did weigh
myself on my scales today
I lost a total of three and a half pounds
reaching under the goal  I had set
down to one hundred and fifty-three pounds
which will last until food in me I get.

I drank more water and Gatorade
more than I have drunk in a year
four glasses here and two more there
until I had to move my chair
into the bathroom to save the walk
which in the end turned into a run
after the process had really begun.

In truth it wasn’t terribly hard
to do the things I had to do
the hardest part if I recall
was hearing the alarm as it did call
and remind me I had to rise
in order to drink more of the stuff
that I had mixed the evening before
the Gatorade and Mirolax.

Three-thirty is an ungodly hour
even in the best of times
but to have to get up to drink more stuff
was more than my hearts desire
but rise I did and the dogs did stare
to see me rise at an early hour
as their systems are used to a more civilized time
like nine o’clock where we draw the line.

My buddy George and his mate John
both Englishmen to the core
had volunteered to take me in
to where the treatment would begin
if English humor you have heard
you know that it comes thick and loud
as they both tried to keep things lite
all in front of the office crowd.

When it was my turn to enter the fray
they both stayed in the waiting room
whether they kept the humor at bay
as I was not there I could not say
but knowing them like I do
I imagine that they did not stop
until George was called to come to my room

I had two or three nurses fussing around
getting me ready to take me to
the room where they would do their thing
although surgery is not really the word
as procedure is what they bantered around.

When the time came to be wheeled in
I remember exchanging greetings with
some of the staff and the doctors too
as they rolled me on my side
and the next thing that I knew
I was back in the prep room
the room with a view
and George was sitting by my side
chatting up the Nurse as he is wont to do.

The Doc came in looking very pleased
as he gave me the good news
I think what I heard him say
that everything was clean, nothing in the way
and that this my last treatment it would be
as in five years I would be eighty-three.

One of the nurses helped walk me out
to the new car that I have just bought
and as I wasn’t allowed to drive
George was going to get the shout
to drive me home and I do believe
that the only reason he volunteered
was to get to try my new car out.

We made it home safe and sound
and I thanked them profusely for their help
as George jumped back into his car
that takes him both near and far
and does everything my car can do
as a ride is a ride and the difference here
his is a classic and mine is new.

Its times like this that you find your friends
the ones that are always there for you
and I am lucky enough to say
that I have more than one or two
willing to help however they can
without expecting anything in return.

Thanks Guys…

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